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Video Game Testers

WTF! AYS, video game testers?

So, I have been spending the last couple of weeks jerking off to (while play testing) “Lara Croft (aka: Angelina Jolie) versus Aliens and Predators“, a new game being put out by Kapcum. I may be breaking a Non-Disclosure Agreement here, but the goal of the game is to get an Alien’s smaller second mouth into Angelina Jolie’s snatch, while avoiding the Brad Pitt looking Predators.

Average play tester.

Average play tester.

This is one of them thar massively online games where a billion or so pussy starved kids pretend to be social aware, which such great …
… Conversation starters: “Fuck you, dick!” and “UR a N00b!”
… Character names like: xPussyLicker and Kok Teiz.
… Deals like: “400 AJ pubes for $20.00 US! Fast power revering; you get boom boom in no time frat!” They are Chinese, you see, so their keyboards force them to type like that. And unlike the producers of the current Red Dawn movie, I ain’t afraid to piss some people who smell like onions stuck in sweat socks and who I can blind fold with dental floss.

In reading the forums and playing the game it’s hard to not want to scream at the developer – your game isn’t fun!  Because, well, it isn’t.  Not because of the content – I mean, really, who wouldn’t want a game in which they get to play an alien, shoot Brad Pitt, and eat Angelina Jolie’s vag?  It’s the people they allow to dumb the game down into a non-challenging lather, rinse, and repeat fest.

/yawn  (That’s how the cool kids indicate boredom.)

End game boss.

End game boss.

After 0.1 seconds of thought, it dawns on me that it’s not the game I hate it’s the other players.  “Hey, dipshit, stop whining that ‘Predator’ Pitt is trying to sodomize you, you’re supposed to kill him or run away from him.”  These fucking retards whine that the game is too tough: “I came here to see AJ pussy, not fend off a BP wang that goes nuclear.” Even though the game fully states that you have to collect and sniff pubes to keep you on the trail, these people are trying to skip that content.  FYI: Tossing some pubes on the ground will get Mr. Pitt off your ass for a while – while he sniffs them for you – allowing your character time to escape his nuclear penile wrath.   “It takes too long to collect pubes,” they cry.  Isn’t that the point? Should you be able to beat the game in five fucking minutes?

These whining little Obama voting bastards are all like:

  • I don’t want to have to work for anything!
  • I should have access to everything simple because I’m alive!
  • It’s not fair that people who pay or have played longer get things I can’t get!
  • Competition is for neanderthals, I should win an award just for showing up!
This is you.

This is you.

People like that should be forced to play games while sitting in an electric chair.

  • The second any guy says something even approximating the comments above he should have his balls lit on fire with 100 match sticks until his junk looks like a cigarette but stuck in a burnt marshmallow. What does that have to do with an electric chair? Nothing, that’s the mental torture – to be reapplied as physical torture at a time of my choosing.
  • As for girl gamers with that mentality, they should be forced to be fucked by 17 homeless guys with razor blades glued to their penises.

First of all, the game has a monthly subscription. That should tell you something right off the bat.

Secondly, I make money, so I get to play a more enjoyable version of the game with less Brad Pitts and quicker access to AJ’s pussy parts.  I also paid for a side game of beating every nerd’s fantasy, Felicia Day, to a bloody pulp with Brad Pitt’s atomic pud blaster.

Lastly, while everyone has access to and has equal opportunity within the game, not everyone is guaranteed the same result. Whether you don’t have the play time to commit, the skills to win, or the money to ease the grind – (not the kind of grind you perform while on “E” at the club) – if you are unable or unwilling to play the game as it’s intended fuck off and let the rest of us masturbate while we envision what end-game content is going to look like.

Snap the snatch!

Snap the snatch!

Mmmmm … all of that green, slimy alien drool glopping onto her naked form. I let out a teasing hiss with my big mouth, and take a little snap with the little one. Slowly, I inch forward wondering what the inside of this pussy is going to taste like. Mmmmm … yummmyyyy. SNAP! Even closer this time. I can smell her excitement, her anxiety. Soon that pussy will be mine – forever, as I plan on eating it – literally.  That is what aliens do, you know.  I mean, look at it.  What else would it do?

Anyway, Brad tries to protect her at the last minute, but a face hugger leaps out at him! He protects his face from the spider/crap looking monster, and would have done a good job of it, if that is where it was aiming. Instead the face hugger latches on to his crotch, jams it’s tube into his penis like a catheter, and deposits the alien embryo in his ball sack. That should keep him busy for a moment.

Back to Angelina as Lara Croft. Here it is! Here is where I …Wait! What the fuck is this? Stretch marks!?!?!

Chinese pube farmers in LC -vs A&P MMO.

Chinese pube farmers in LC -vs A&P MMO.

Are you fucking telling me that I just spend 963 hours of /played time for that? A couple of sagging tattoos, stretch marks I have to flip/flap out of the way in order to see her AJ parts, and horrible acting? Fuck this game! I’m canceling my subscription. They say the journey is more important than the destination, but I think there was some false advertising in this game.

In the end, the game should be challenging not easy. It should show progression and growth, not instant access instant win. If you don’t like that, then fuck off and don’t play.  If instant gratification and a guarantee of equal outcome is what you desire, give me your address so I can come over to your house and kill you … slowly.

New patch update!  Screw Angelina Jolie, here’s the new boss!

I know what you're looking at ... because I'm looking at it too!

I know what you’re looking at … because I’m looking at it too!

I just renewed my subscription for another year.  Only 962 more hours to go!


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