WTF! AYS?

Because my ego says I'm the most important person on the Internet!

National Security Agency

WTF!  AYS, National Security Agency?

Fuck, I don’t even know who I’m calling stupid in this post.  Let’s just go with the NSA so I can be one of the cool kids added to a watch list or two.

I would tell you where I’ve been over the last weeks and months, but the anal probe I received will explode and turn me into an unwilling jihadist. For fucks sake these dipshit Islamists are getting sneaky; but remember, in the Mormon, errr, Muslim world you’re not gay if you’re pitching – (fucking an underage boy, someone from another culture, drunk, etc.) – only if you’re catching.

Using Islamo-logic: Even though I attempted to fight off my attackers, since they succeeded and (of course) will not admit to witnessing my rape, I must be sentenced to death for homosexuality and adultery. Multiple people kidnap me while I’m eating Cheetos and jerking off to that blond chick from Game of Thrones. They all rape me, leaving my bung hole filled with man sauce and some jizz bomb, and this is somehow MY fault?

Boob bombs! Yummy!

Boob bombs!
Yummy!

Let this be a warning to you! First it was IEDs, then it was cooking implements, now it’s bunghole injections! Is there no lengths these stone age warriors will not go to be allowed to remain in the stone age?

Man, this just has not been a good week for me.

So, what the fuck was I going to talk about this time? Oh, yeah! It’s time to talk about Edward Snowden, Alex Jones, leaks, and our Brave New Government.

This weekend, while sitting on my hemorrhoid pillow, I got into a political discussion regarding these leaks and whatnot. In this discussion were a few friends of mine. Two people, a husband and wife combination who I will name Jennifer and Jerry. Hot damn, Jessica and Jennifer have to be the two sexiest names on the fucking planet. I don’t care if you’re fat hairy she-male whose pussy leaks puss and blood, if your name is Jessica or Jennifer I’d fuck you just on principle. I’d just think about fucking the name not the person.

BONER!

Wait … what … where am I?

Oh, yeah! So, Jennifer – (mmmmmmmm) – and Jerry are progressive liberal fuck nuggets who think President Obama can do no wrong.

On the other hand there’s Hansel and Gretel. Hansel is an Alex Jones, tinfoil hat wearing, nutcase, while Gretel is a self-described anarchist who hates all governments and all forms of governments. Of course, amongst all of these people I am considered the Neocon, the Fascist, the Bush crony, and so on.

This is EXACTLY the type of conversation in which I want to be involved in this company, right? Man, I wish I’d recorded it. It was popcorn worthy. Especially the part where Jennifer, who is neither fat nor hairy, flashed her tits in a totally random act of … randomness. I haven’t slept since then, but I have left white stains, which are fading to a yellow gold and emitting a rather unpleasant odor all over my walls. I think two birds are permanently stuck there as well.

Why are hot chicks with sexy names so fucking retarded? No, not because she flashed her boobies – leaving me to imagine the things my tongue and hands are forever missing – but for being a dipshit progressive liberal.

They are all names Jennifer, Jessica, and Candy.  Wait, that last name is of my favorite hooker.

They are all named Jennifer, Jessica, and Candy. Wait, that last name is of my favorite hooker.

Gretel starts bitching that Presidents Obama, Bush, Clinton, and all of the others are evil, greedy liars in bed with power, corporations, the Jews, and every other group she hates. She sings the praises of Wikileaks, Julian Assange, Private Yapping Chihuahua (the ‘tard that leaked sensitive info to Wikileaks), and this Edward Snowden dude.

I asked why she praised them, and her reply boiled down to, “Because they are sticking it to The Man!”

What if ‘The Man’ is trying to keep us safe?  I asked.  She responded that her belief is that The Man doesn’t care for you only power. Keeping you safe is just a way to convince you to put more faith in Him.

At this point Hansel starts yappin’ about some Alex Jones conspiracy bullshit where we are all butt probed by Seattle homos after drinking Starbucks coffee and injected with anal explosives, but I know he’s out of his mind so I don’t listen.

Then they look to me. “Okay, Roger, what do you think? You loved it when your man, [President] Bush invaded our privacy, so are you still happy that [President] Obama is doing the same thing?”

I’m not going to quote this because I don’t remember my exact words; all I see are Jennifer’s small but shapely breasts dancing in my eyes making my balls want to explode as I type this. My response was essentially that I’m okay with most of it as long as two conditions are met.

Condition 1: If I’ve done nothing wrong – especially if I have done nothing wrong toward the People (who are the government of the United States) in accordance with the Constitution, our provided and implied freedoms (i.e. speech, guns, press, self-determination, etc.) – they cannot use any gathered information about me in any circumstance.

Condition 2: A system of full disclosure – by way of Law, that limits how this information can be used and by whom, which is open and transparent to the People of these United States – must be put in place.

They cannot be able to use this law to secretly tell mistress number one that I’m cheating on her with mistress number six. They cannot use infrared monitors to videotape me through my walls masturbating to pictures of Jennifer {insert last name here} and leak/post them on YouTube to threaten or embarrass me.

However, if they film me tying up some Negro to the back of my truck and dragging him around Texas, or if they find the 14-year old Romanian gymnast that I am secretly hiding and sexually assaulting in my sub-sub-basement, I’m all for that kind of intrusion.

Look but don't touch, or touch softly and vigorously until leakage.

Look but don’t touch, or touch softly and vigorously until leakage.

Yes, Libertarians, I WILL freely give up some privacy freedoms for the sake of security, but I won’t give up my freedom of speech, to bitch, whine, own guns, assemble, or even revolt if it comes to that. I am a firm believer that the Spirit of the Law trumps the Letter of the Law – which is why I hate lawyers and technicalities. I despise our current legal system where technicalities, legalese, and semantics trump common sense.

That army dipshit who spilled classified information to Wikileaks and that Assange Aussi should both have their penises duct taped together, and subsequently executed by 100,000 papercuts followed by a saltwater bath in which the temperature is slowly raised to a boil over the course of 24 hours.  What they leaked were specifics that endanger lives directly.

This Snowball guy, what the fuck is his name again? Yeah, Edward Snowden, (based on the information I have at this time) should be considered a fucking hero. If is comes out that he spilled classified info in the same manner as Bradley Manning did, I’ll change my tune and call for Edward’s arrest and defilement as well. But for raising the red flag in warning regarding what our government is trying to do – rather what it is doing – makes him a hero in my book.

Ain't Anarchists beautiful!   FREE WILLY!

Ain’t Anarchists beautiful!
FREE WILLY!

The conversation branched out to the IRS Scandal. I chuckled. It galls Gretel the Anarchist to no end that I (legally) don’t pay taxes. Fuck you IRS, you can audit these nuts. That’s right, I’m pointing at my throbbing balls right now while I imagine of of the Jennifers in my life.  The IRS can count my sperm as I shoot it in its eyeball – take your cut from that, bitches!

Anyway, she rages on and on about taxes being part of the Military Industrial Complex, and how I prosper from that both in my wage and by their ‘lobbyists’ paying off people so I don’t have to pay taxes.

Ha ha, bitch!  Don’t be jealous, I can shoot my taxable income into your eye too, just like money and Doritos, I’ll make more!

With that said, I am a peripheral Tea Party supporter, and would have loved it if the IRS had asked me some of those questions.

“Mr. Bizniz, how much money did you donate to the Tea Party?”

None of your fucking business. My money is my money and I’ll do with it as I please.

“We’re a government agency, Mr. Bizniz, you must inform us.”

As a citizen of the United States *I* am the government! You work for me, so either collect taxes fairly across the board or fuck off.

“Mr. Bizniz, do you associate with any of the following?”

I’m about to go all kristallnacht on your ass if you don’t stop asking me questions which have nothing to do with paying my taxes!

“Mr. Bizniz, the law requires you to pay your taxes.”

This isn’t the king’s money that he graciously allows me to use, this is my money that I graciously allow you to use – if I so choose. Since you can’t manage it well I’ve decided to cut you off. It’s time for you to grow up and get a job. No more government freeloading!

*click*

SIMPLIFY THE TAX CODE!

Until everyone pays the SAME percentage no matter how much they make; no ifs, ands, or buts …

FUCK THE IRS!

REMOVE THE IRS!

HIDE YOUR MONEY!

ghetto

For only $100 dollars a day you can help a child get new sneakers.

Or don’t do any of that, and simply refuse to pay on the grounds that as an American citizen you expect equality. Civil disobedience against an unjust and inappropriate power!

I was going to talk about Alex Jones and the tumor that must be growing in his brain to act the way he does, either that or he’s drunk the ego patting he gets from his tinfoil hat wearing followers, but this post is too long and it’s just not worth the time.

Thank you Edward Snowden!

WOW!  I have this sudden urge for Starbucks coffee!

Later people …

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