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Slow Ass Drivers

WTF! AYS, slow ass drivers?

This morning I was on the way to the brothel to take in the camel toe races when I got stuck in traffic.  It seems every fucking day I’m getting stuck in traffic when there are only five god damn people on the road.  It’s that perfect synergy between the slow ass driver ahead, turns you can’t see around, the rare-but-random car coming from the other direction, and too many cars to pass at one time.

I will rage ... you will get hurt ... I will laugh.  Fuck off.

I will rage … you will get hurt … I will laugh. Fuck off.

I’m fat, not stupid.  I’m not trying to kill anyone – other than the slow ass driver causing the traffic retardation, so I’m not going to try and pass four cars around a blind corner.

I look at the speed limit sign, it reads 60, yet we’re driving 45.  I see another sign, it also reads 60, yet we’re still driving forty-fucking-five!  WHAT THE FUCK, CHUCK!?!?  I finally get to a straight-away and say fuck you all, and I pass multiple cars.

That’s when the punk bitch who was slowing everyone down decided to get on my ass, lights blinking, horns blasting, and all types of animated gestures.  He got beside me, lowered his passenger window, and screamed at me.  “What the fuck is your problem, fat ass?”

“Drive the God damn speed limit, bitch!”  It’s always fun to call these jock, gangsta, tough guy wannabes ‘bitches.’

“I’ll drive any fucking speed I like.”

Google maps caught me.

Google maps caught me.

I had a response to this, but the semi-truck coming at him convinced him that this conversation should come to an abrupt end.  To be fair, I was hoping he’d hit the truck, so I slowed down and made it more difficult for him to get behind me safely.

Fuck him – and fuck you if you think people like him deserve to live.

No sooner did he and I go our separate ways when I come up upon another show ass person on the road.  The speed limit signs clearly says 60, but here’s another dumb fucker going 50.  Seriously dude!?!?!

I start to tailgate him in my 1983 Ford Escort.  Fuck, what do I have to lose?  I don’t own insurance and his car looks expensive.  Get the fucking hint, asshole!  If someone is in your ass they either want you dead (which was actually an option at this point), or you’re driving like a stupid mother fucker.

When we stopped at a light he actually had the balls to get out of his vehicle.  Of course, I grabbed my weapon and did the same – though, to be honest, I had barely buttered my way out of my Escort by the time he made it to me.  At which point he starts going on about me being up in his ass.

After telling him that I’m not gay, and that I’ll be up in Candy’s ass as soon as he bothers to drive like a human fucking being, I remind him that the speed limit is 60.  He tells me that he’s not comfortable driving that fast.  I explain to him that he should either hire a driver who is or to be sure his life insurance is paid up, because I will run him off the road.

This is why I don't ride one of them.  I'd look like a bear on a unicycle.

This is why I don’t ride one of them. I’d look like a bear on a unicycle.

He then asked me if I’m threatening him, pulls out his cell phone, and tells me he’s calling 911.  Good.  Call’em.  I clubbed him in the head with a baby seal I rescued from PETA.

“9-1-1, please state your emergency.”

“This fucker got beat for driving like an old Asian lady on the highway.  You may want to send someone before I back my car over him a second time.”

With that I smashed his cell phone and went on my way.  Holy balls this is one hell of a way to lose a hard on!   Candy … Candy … Candy Candy Candycandycandy …

Okay, it’s back!

One of the brothel regulars told me that he drives leisurely because he feels no need to be in a rush.  “What about the people behind you?” I asked.

“They aren’t my concern.  If they’re already late, me going 10 miles faster won’t stop that, they should leave home earlier.  If it’s an emergency, call 911 and let them handle it.”

This is the ONLY acceptable reason to drive slowly.  Hell, I'd stop for her.

This is the ONLY acceptable reason to drive slowly. Hell, I’d stop for her.

“You really are a selfish bastard.”

“Me? You’re the one running people off the road.”

“Yes, I’m running selfish pricks like you off the road.  It doesn’t matter the reason the person wants to drive the speed limit – it could be an emergency, hr could be late, or he may just want to get his ass home in a reasonable time.  You, one fucking person, are in the way of one, two, fifteen other people who don’t share your selfish desire to slow down the entirety of traffic.  You’re the fucking cause of road rage, and I hope you die in car fire after three days of suffering with 80% burns across your body.”

I’m not asking you fucktards to drive 20 mph above the damn speed limit, just go the fucking speed limit – and get to the speed limit in a reasonable time.  I drive a fucking 30-year old 4-cylinder car, I weight about as much as my car, and I can still manage to get to speed.

If you can’t or won’t drive the speed limit, get the fuck off the road or I’ll move you off the road.  Oh, and for you rednecks in big ass trucks, yes, I can run you off the road as well.  It’s not hard to shoot out a tire and hit your front fender in one action.  I don’t have to hit it hard, just enough for you to lose control and die a horrible death.

Get off the road or die. Now!

Get off the road or die.


Pee-fucking-Ess:  Bicycles do NOT belong on the road, and I am well versed in honking my horn at the right time to make riders fall off.  Anything that can’t go the fucking speed limit does not belong on the road.  I don’t give a shit what State laws or City ordinances are – if you’re slow and on the road I will make your life hell, and – I don’t give a shit if I hit you.  The law is stupid, the people making those laws are stupid, and you are stupid, so drive the speed limit or get the fuck out of my way because I WILL harm you.

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