Because my ego says I'm the most important person on the Internet!


WTF! AYS, prudes?

What the fuck do people have against sex, sexuality, and porn?

Ladies – beautiful, sensual, lovely, and wonderful ladies – if you’re too scared to use your pussy can I just borrow it for a while?  I’ll treat it well and bring it back in a better condition than I found it.

Guy, really? Studies show that 90% of men masturbate, while the other 10% lie about it.* So, have at it. Jump up and down on your bed, destroy those bed springs while you’re stroking your schlong. You’ll get a good cardio workout and the neighbors will think you’re awesome in the sack – hell, if she’s female she may come over to try some of that action for herself – and you can pretend that Lindsay Lohan is snorting coke off of your cock and putting her fingers in your ass at the same time.

On second thought … ewwww.

Prudes, don’t cite some bullshit study that says sexuality has negative mental and emotional side effects, because I can cite (more than) one right back to you that shows how sex improves emotional stability and mental acumen.

Look at the pictures on this page, while not actually pornographic, I’m sure they are increasing your mental affinity already!  Come on, admit it, you feel less retarded looking at … okay, okay, Lindsay Lohan makes everyone feel retarded, but it balances out in that case.  At least now you can retain your IQ instead of lose it!

I can even find some studies on how multiple partners can strengthen one’s committed relationship, but I think this is a personal choice and not something for everyone.  Sadly, my concubines certainly aren’t for it.

In any case, fuck off with your sex is harmful bullshit.  In fact, if you hate sex, porn, and sexuality would you drive your Segway off of a cliff and fall on a cactus bush that penetrates your anus, please?  Since you are by all reasonable definition a horrible person, and most certainly one hell of a buzz kill, could you do that for daddy?  Please?  Mmmhmmm.  Okay now.

Chemically and biologically sex has an important role to play in moods, mental capacity, and longevity/quality of life. Showing a titty to a friend or to the construction worker for $50 isn’t excessive sexual behavior and it’s not destructive to anyone – unless the dude doesn’t have the $50, in which case his legs will be broken. Friends doing oral on other friends strengthens the friendship bond and, quite frankly, relieves a ton of stress.  I know every time I jizz on someone’s face – real, picture, or imaginary – I fell a lot better.

Now that that’s out of the way.

Sex and sexuality

Sex is fun! God, I love sex. I’ll fuck anything! I’ll fuck my fourteen Mormon wives, my neighbor, the bag-lady down the street, a tube sock, a glory hole, the Eskimo temp working in the next office, it doesn’t matter. About the only things I won’t fuck are fat chicks, chickens, or dudes. Sorry guys, I don’t swing that way – but go ahead and do your thing.

Why is it the good ones get caught while the fat ones still jiggle their cankle rolls into the road?

Sex is an important part of life. Yeah, yeah, yeah… procreation … whatever … *snore*.  But let’s get real for a moment: just as an instrument of social intercourse (pun intended) sex has great value. You can’t really know someone until you taste her moist, healthy pussy; and guys, that’s what it’s about. We all know we can get our rocks off however we want, so be sure you give her what she wants and needs first – hot, nasty, sweaty, hairy armpit, chicks-with-dicks, whips and chains, and whip cream sucked out of an anus with a straw sex!

I’m a firm believer that the people who hate sex and porn are the people who can’t get laid, are jealous of their roommates making money off of their hot bodies while the prude isn’t, are scared that healthy sexuality will lead to hellfire and brimstone, or, uhhh, there is no or; those are the only possible reasons.

There’s nothing wrong with masturbating seven times a day; hell, that’s what actually keeps me out of trouble. Even if I rotate wives, mistresses, and midgets I can still find room for this picture of my best friend’s girl – she actually asked me to masturbate to it, how’s that for some awesome consent? It’s a bit stained and soiled now, but she’s still oh so damn fine!

I think people should be given 30 minutes a day to masturbate or fuck at work. Imagine this:

Stress relief leads to a more productive office.

You’re slaving away in your cubicle when your boss calls you to his office. For the next ten minutes he screams and hollers at you about some bullshit that you had nothing to do with. Then he send you out of the office saying that he’ll decide your punishment later.

Wouldn’t it be nice if after that incident he could fuck his hot blond secretary and you could jerk off to him doing that (via the hidden camera you setup in his office)? He’ll be more relaxed and less apt to punish you excessively, and you’ll have calmed down enough so as not to say something stupid to warrant such an extreme punishment when he calls you back into the office.

And really, what’s wrong with office conjugal visits for a nooner with your husband/wife? It’s a win/win scenario for everyone – as long as it is consensual and you clean up and sanitize your messes.  Vote for fuck closets in the workplace today!

Porn, prostitution, and escorts

Seriously, I want someone – who still has more than one brain cell which hasn’t been smoked, prayed, or masturbated away – to tell me what is wrong with porn? This is the safest form of safe sex. My fist can’t get pregnant and, depending on how many feces piles I held on to that day, shouldn’t give me any diseases.

That’s where it’s at!

Using porn I’ve been able to (virtually) fuck ebony goddesses, white trailer trash, Asian delights, Indians (both types), have threesomes, orgies, cougars, 18 year olds, and so on. None of this has cost me a dime, ruined any relationships, or caused me to stalk the local Sunday School girls. In fact, porn has probably prevented me from doing all of that.

What’s wrong with selling your own body? I pimp out my mind, skills, and assets to my current employer, why can’t he or she sell out his or her body and assets to an employer (or as a self-employed entrepreneur)?

While this can be troubling to some people – and yes, there is potential exploitation and people can get hurt; (12” penises with 5” girth do that to 5’0” virgins) – not everyone is hurt by this. In fact, if society wouldn’t attach a stigma to it and would treat it like any other business, where profit may be made through honest and fair business practices, you could find that it’s nurturing to both humanity and society.

“It leads to more perversion.” Like what? From missionary style to anal, from anal to threesomes, from threesomes to midgets, from midgets to hanging upside down in a dungeon while Mistress Syndie whips you, from Mistress Syndie’s dungeon to fucking cats, from fucking cats to sex trafficking? I mean really, what the fuck?

There is a responsibility in all of this. As the porn star, you have a personal responsibility to be sure that you are comfortable with what you are doing and that you have considered the potential repercussions down the road. Don’t let anyone force you, rape you, trick you, or kidnap you. Yeah, that all seems to go without saying, huh? But why don’t you check the news every now and again; not just the human trafficking stories, but all of the underage girls who are simply forced into the industry.

As the connoisseur it is up to us to realize that these people are people. It’s okay to fantasize about them with a fist full of Astroglide; that’s why these people do what they do. If that’s not why they do this then they are in the wrong line of work. Under no circumstance is it okay for us voyeurs to stalk them, threaten them, and so on.  Just because someone is a porn star does not mean that s/he is a prostitute.  (Even if the secret prayer I say every night is for Sasha Grey to knock on my door and give me an hour to make friends with her.  I have the decapitated chickens to prove it.)

I need $60 to get this while the ball sweat is still fresh!

Porn does not devalue love; unless you equate love to lust, and biological chemicals to a conscious commitment. Porn, including masturbating to Mexican donkey shows, is not a breach of fidelity. Fucking the next door neighbor – while absolutely amazing sex – is a breach of fidelity. If you can’t see the difference you should sick your penis/clitoris into a vat of 250°F french fry grease.

Many of the escorts that I have talked to actually state that (of their repeat customers) most of the single men simply want a companion to talk to, while it’s the married men that are more about just having sex. This is why the more discerning escorts conduct interviews and have certain requirements that must be met.

Some women know they are hot and want to be sex objects, they like the attention. This could be very intentional: ‘God, I’m hot and I love for people to look at me.’ Kind of like an art thing.  Seriously, a beautiful woman is better than the finest art.  Or it could be more unintentional: ‘Somehow I just made $50 showing my titty to that construction worker. Hmmmmm. I cold use this.’

If we were more open about sex, women (and men) could be more open when the negative aspects of sex and sexuality occur, instead of being branded someone with a scarlet letter, having careers destroyed, and so forth. A raped woman is usually raped twice, once by the perpetrator and then again by society.

Does all of this have its potential down side? Sure it does: pedophilia, people going into debt, human trafficking, exploitation, golden showers, and scheiße videos among others. The problem is that a lot of those issues would be less prevalent if we were more open to sexuality. Just like finances, where only poor people don’t talk about money, well, only prudes don’t talk about sex.

Been there … done that … saved the Q-tip.

It is important for parents to instill self-confidence and rational thought in their children. Teens are going to fuck, or, at the very least, they are going to explore. They have crazy ass hormones racing through their bodies, they are going to want to explore those hormones and feeling. However, they need to be educated as well. The first education is that some 60-year old man offering you $30 for your dirty underwear is a sound business decision. The second one being that kissing your brother or fucking the brains out of your step-dad, while great for Internet porn, is not the best decision you can make in life.

Responsibility, anecdotes, notes, and considerations

Naked people in private places should not be a crime.

I do believe that all porn should be private; whether in the strip club with a bouncer at the door, on the Internet at home, at private Furry parties, at the XXX movie theater, or whatever. People should not be heading to the local Wal-Mart in the buff; and if you’ve seen the average Wal-Mart shopper you know what I’m talking about! Believe me, you don’t want me sweating on my tractor mower in the nude.

Look, but don’t touch (without consent).

Any woman who dresses in tight-tight shorts, shows off her midrift, and whose nipples can be see from thirty paces will be ogled over; unless she fat then people will look for a tarp in which to cover her or throw her back out to sea.

Fuck off feminists!  Don’t roll your eyes or get all feminazi on guys when they look at you wearing that skimpy ass outfit. In this case you did ask for it – the looking, not touching.

You know you want this. I can feel it in my loins.

Yes, if you are dressed like a whore – (please, please, please dress like a whore!) – or if you’re just F-I-N-E fine in general, I’m going to look … and maybe even stare. I am not ashamed and I will not turn away from looking at beauty. If you don’t like it, don’t dress like a whore or don’t be so damn fine.

You are an object. I am an object; though at 550lbs and hairier than a grizzly I’m probably more ‘objected to.’

It is all about consent!

No one should ever be forced or coerced into anything. No means no! Rape is rape! While it is true that “Don’t! Stop!” Can be confused with “Don’t stop!” I think in most circumstances you know which one is meant.

Sexual freedom doesn’t mean you have to be a whore, though we men – real men, not the ones who want to impress this girl with his faux-pro-feminism ideals – do prefer you to be a whore for us.

I wish I’d made this career choice!

Sex is a form of communication. Some people are open communicators, and will fuck like rabid monkeys.  Other people believe in tact and decorum and prefer more traditional styles of jabbing their penises into something. Learn to speak the language and communicate.

No descriptions, images, or activity without the consent of all parties involved. Your body is your body. If you are comfortable showing it off in skimpy clothes or no clothes, or if you are fine with reenacting the Freddy Kreuger conception scene by playing ‘Who’s the daddy? You all are!’ that’s all up to you.

If you want your boyfriend to wear a Japanese schoolgirl outfit and he refuses, he’s a fucking retard, but you have to respect his wishes. Just like when I want to fuck my grandma in the nose and she declines I have to respect that. When it comes to an actual committed relationship, these things should be discussed BEFORE marriage – or other long term commitment. If you find that your boyfriend really wants to fuck’a’butt, and you’re against that, you’d best tell him before you commit or you may find him fucking another butt.

It’s okay to try something/anything/everything. It’s okay to avoid something/anything/everything. It’s okay to say yes, and it’s okay to say no. You are your own person and have your own boundaries. While these boundaries may morph with time, be sure to always be clear about those boundaries.

Don’t let sex and porn interfere with the rest of your life.

There are addictions and drawbacks to everything – sex, television, video games, religion, gossip, etc. Just like all other industries and hobbies, all things in moderation.

And it’s FREE!

Who the fuck pays for porn when images and videos are all over the Internet for free. Really? If you pay for porn you should be in stupidity-prison. At the same time, men and women who can sell their images people like me to jerk off to them, well, more power to you. Get that money from us, I mean those stupid people.

Unless your relationship is an open one, you probably shouldn’t go fucking around on your significant other either. Not only may he pour boiling water in your cum dumpster, but you may lose half of your income for the remainder of your life when she takes exception to your antics.

Pregnancy and STDs …

You can’t just be up and frivolous about this shit, unless you want your wiener to turn green, spontaneously combust, and explode into a thousand maggots before your eyes. You have to be responsible and take precautions.  The same is true if you don’t want any brats running around.  Sex is momentary, trophies are forever.

Abortion as a form of birth control is as repugnant to me as someone who can kill another person in cold blood or someone who can abuse an animal. If this is you, and I mean this seriously – die. That’s not one of my infamous, over the top rants; that’s the honest truth from me.  If you can kill another being in cold blood, abort a baby (as a birth control measure), or mercilessly harm an animal I want you to die. I’d be glad to be the one to kill you, and I’ll sleep well at night knowing I did.

Lastly, my final words …

Abstinence and masturbation are the ONLY 100% forms of birth control. While true, abstinence is not practical on any level – unless you hate your life. So, here are my quick rules of the bed:

  1. No drunken fuckin’ This is as stupid as it comes and leads to unwanted outcomes.
  2. Men, cover your dong with a jimmy hat. Unless you’re prepared for the alternative, you’d better take this step! Even if she tells you she’s on the pill, don’t believe her.
  3. Women, the pill is your friend. While guys do need to be responsible as well, don’t count on us.
  4. Fuck a friend.

    It’s all good.

  • Friends with benefits is the best God damn thing ever … EVER! Usually you know who else they have been with and, unless they are not really a friend, you’ll know if there’s something wrong down there.
  • Just know that this is a friendship with the benefit of sex, it is not a pure committed relationship. Don’t get all jealous and pissed off when s/he finds a committed relationship. Until then, enjoy each other as only real friends can.

Fuck your friend!  You’ll be happier for it in the end.

* = This is not a real study.

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8 thoughts on “Prudes

  1. Pardon the rather extensive edit to this blog post. I published it without proof reading it and, well, I really looked like I was one-hand typing while trying to avoid any naked images of Brittany Spears.

    All better now … I hope.

  2. Pingback: Let’s Be Honest; I’ma Whore « The Fuming Feminist

  3. I absolutely, positively, LOVED this! I can’t stop laughing – but a lot of what you wrote is very – and sadly – true.

    • It’s not necessarily my aim to make people happy with this blog, I’m just calling life as I see it, but it does feel good to know that I made at least one person laugh! 🙂 All the best …

  4. I had to laugh a few times reading this. And any mistakes you made well hell I make them all the time so I do not judge. The abortion part made you angry, I could almost see flames coming out of your nose when I was reading that part. ( I have a hell of imagination) You do have a point, abortion is not birth control and should not be used as such. I still can not figure out if you were condemning anyone who has had an abortion or just those who use it as birth control.
    As for masturbation, I agree with you. Masturbation is good for us. I have two daughters, My oldest who is 20, I talked to her about it and I will talk to my 11 year old when I feel it is time. I believe masturbation for woman it is important. It is how we learn what we like and do not like. Leaving it up to the men to please us will come with a lot of disappointment.
    This is not the mans fault, it takes time to learn what pleases the other and if the other does not know themselves it takes longer. See I feel that having good sex as a woman is 80% us and 20% you. If we feel good about ourselves, and have touch ourselves and learned what we like, sex is one of the best things in life, weathers its alone or with someone else.
    Oh fuck friends, I loved having fuck friends, even when I had to remind them not to fall in love. It was always one of the first things I put out there when we began our friends with benefits.

    • Regarding abortion: For the most part, I think of abortion as murder. Not in a Christian or Biblical way, but in a struggle for life sort of way. I see abortion the same way I see the killing and culling of animals. Life wants to live and we should respect that. Protect the species, protect yourself, and eat for survival; but anyone who can kill an animal for ‘sport’, fun or joy deserves to be hunted for sport in turn. (And, in all seriousness, I would have NO problem pulling the trigger on someone who is guilty of animal cruelty.)

      I can see the need for certain abortions – rape, incest, to save the mother’s life, and even for major birth defects – but to use it as a form of birth control, well, you hit the nail on the head – flames come out of many of my orifices. Abortions should be used out of necessity, not out of opportunity, and anyone who can harm an animal for fun or kill a fetus for anything other than true necessity should just be put to sleep … permanently. The whole ‘woman’s right to choose’ or ‘It’s my body’ doesn’t cut it with me. But, I’ll save that for another rant.

      You’re right about sex. People need to understand their own mind and body, their own sexuality, in order to be comfortable in that environment with another or others. For everyone the comfort, joys, and boundaries are different. If you don’t know your boundaries or pleasure centers how am I to know? And, (I’m about to lose my man card), but most men actually like to be told what to do (to some degree) – or, at the very least, they like the communication to go both ways. It shows she’s into it, and, as long as neither of them say something like, “WTF! You ever do this before?” it benefits both (all?) partners.

      My best girlfriend (sexually) was one who had her boundaries, but was not inhibited by sex. She was very open and we’d spend hours discussing and playing with her ‘toys.’ Watching her enjoy her/our ‘play time’ was more fun and almost as intense as the eventual orgasm itself.

      But most of all, as a society sex needs to be seen as part of being human, as part of the human experience. It needs to be taken responsibly – or you could end up with one of those gifts that keeps on giving, but it should be seen as (privately) acceptable behavior between two (or more) consenting individuals – and even as a need in many situations. It should not be see as something disgusting and to be discouraged out of hand.

      I loved having fuck buddies (friends with benefits) because they were willing to do things (or, more appropriately locations) I’ve never had with real relationship partners. I’ve never had one go sour when she/I entered a real relationship, but as I’ve seen and been told, that’s not the norm.

      Okay, that’s about all I can type without being a total fool. Being serious on the Internet is against everything I (now) hold dear. But I do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on the post.

  5. Pingback: The Wayward Butt-Bullet (Part 4) | sexgonewrong


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